Mon, 30 Nov 2020

The different tribes of Covid-19

28 Oct 2020, 22:11 GMT+10

The dellusion-ists

This group loudly proclaim they "Are doing GREAT really great!!!" during the faeces storm that is Covid. They are LOVING spending more time at home with the family, and have grown MUCH closer during the lockdowns that have wrecked the mental health of the rest of us. One suspects that they were early movers in the Banana Bread/Kiddie Yoga movement during early lockdown.

The narrative about how FANTASTIC everything has been and how GREAT they are doing is somewhat undermined by the fact that their spouse is often to be found crouched in the corner mumbling Bible verses in original Aramaic, and have Life Line on speed dial. But apparently this doesn't mean that things aren't going really GREAT!!!

The covididiots

Corona what? This tribe have hardly noticed that the entire planet has been shut down for almost a year and that the global economy has collapsed. While they are a separate group from the full-blown conspiracy theorists that we will discuss later, they do suspect that every scientist and mortician in the world is over-reacting a bit, and that if we just refrained from french kissing strangers in the frozen food and veg aisle of supermarkets, we are probably fine. Bars and strip joints are currently packed with these brave souls. They die slightly more often than other people.

The bunker folk

We have all run into them. But only over Zoom calls or in a swimming pool they've drained and filled with hand sanitiser. They haven't really left the house since the first case of Covid was recorded in Wuhan, except to buy up all the toilet paper, guns, contraceptives and generators they can find.

These poor souls are the reason that internet connections all over the city are so poor. Purely because they have understandably watched every single piece of content ever loaded by Netflix and have downloaded every movie ever made by humankind, including early 70's romantic comedies with questionable sound quality and production values starring Michael Lonsdale.

Expect to see them next in mid-2023. Unless that worrying virus transmitted by Belgian Poodles that they've read about on the internet really blows up...

The conspiratists

We all know that the moon landings were faked, that the Rothschild family kidnapped Amelia Earhart and that the queen is an overly-coiffed lizard, so it's pretty obvious that the Covid-19 crisis was deliberately engineered by governments desperate to increase their power and legislate the frequency and consistency of our bowel movements.

One is unclear how they rationalise the dead bodies piling up in Milan, but imagines that these were planted by men in black helicopters in collusion with a UFO piloted by Prince Charles and/or Hillary Clinton, but it's very hard to be sure.

The amateur epidemiologists

During the Brexit drama they were amateur experts in constitutional and international law, but now they have switched their formidable intellects to epidemiology. Got any questions about infection rates (Known to them as R Zero Rates), CFR (Case Fatality Rates), Remdesivir trials? These are the people to call.

When stressed, the human brain can try to compulsively gather information in a bid to feel safer. And despite the fact that the only scientific training they've had since school is watching a lot of CNN, this group's confident that their ability to use acronyms like RNA in conversation will help make that safer. Viruses, as we well know, are terrified of acronyms.

The meditators

The final group we will discuss here are the part-time psychology students and advertising execs who are learning to canoe, live in Parktown North and have names beginning with the letter "J". This is a small group composed mainly of me, and they completely lost their minds in mid-July. They are now meditating furiously and drinking household cleaning fluids recreationally.

Source: News24

Sign up for France News

a daily newsletter full of things to discuss over drinks.and the great thing is that it's on the house!